Posts tagged mom vs. real person

Forgive Me

Readers, I have sinned. Here is a list of all the terrible things I did today:

1. Let the baby sleep until 7:30 a.m. In my bed. While I slept too.

2. Drank yesterday’s coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

3. Took baby to breakfast at Panera (which, unexplicably, is called “St. Louis Bread Company” here). Enjoyed the quiet while he slept. Chugged my coffee so I could fill up before I left. Out of negligence, spilled coffee on baby. Later, let baby dry and smell like coffee instead of changing his onesie.

3. Bought those processed puff things for baby just because he loves them.

4. Sent 47 text messages.

5. Let baby chew on receipts just because he loves them.

6. Indulged in 15 minutes of googling “early pregnancy symptoms” even though three previous pregnancies and all my previous googling have taught me exactly what they are.  And even though I am clearly not pregnant.

7. Ate two (!) squares of Ghiradelli 60% cocoa chocolate. Should have eaten two more. Salivating now.

8. Eating two more (!) squares of chocolate.

9. Attempted to make salmon for husband’s dinner, choosing to ignore that every other piece of fish I have ever cooked for him has been tough and overcooked.

10. Overcooked salmon.

11. Abandoned dirty dishes, husband, and baby after dinner

12. to take 27 minute shower

13. while drinking a beautiful concoction of kahlua, vanilla vodka, and Bailey’s Irish Cream.

14. And then drank one more.

15. Didn’t let myself feel guilty for any of this.

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No Television (Okay, maybe a little)

I am one of those irritating women who has been brainstorming ways to parent “the best way” since before she hit puberty.  So of course, I have very strong opinions, 20 years later, about what a parent should and should not do.  And, naturally, one of these opinions is about the television my son should, or rather, should not be watching.

I am also one of those women with priorities.  For example, washing my son’s cloth diapers is usually a priority.  Folding and putting away the grown-up laundry is (sorry, honey) usually not.  Going for a walk everyday?  Priority.  Shaving my legs?  Not.

Imagine my conundrum:  Our morning walk had just commenced, when I realized that my legs (bare, in the mid-west heat) had taken on a gorilla-like hairiness.  Only a block away from our house, I turned the stroller around.  Having decided that my as-were legs were unfit for public viewing, I only had two options.  Option number one was immediately out, as long pants weren’t going to do it for me when the temperature outside got up higher than 102 degrees.  So option number two it was:  a quick leg shave.

Let me back up for a moment to only ten minutes earlier:  I had just gotten laundry done (cloth diapers, not my husband’s work uniforms; sorry, honey), and Michael was fussing because he was a tired baby.  Then he was fussing because I ignored him while I ran around the house throwing useful things into the bottom of the stroller.  Then he was fussing and thrashing because I was actually buckling him into his stroller.  He was as relieved to stop fussing as I was relieved that he’d stopped by the time I hoisted him down the front steps.

After I’d made the decision to do a quick hair-removal, turned around, and hoisted him back up the front steps, there was no way I was going to take him out of the stroller for the five minutes it would take me to run a razor up my calves.  So I did what I have sworn since 1992 I would never do:  I turned on our Wii, found a nice Curious George movie, and I put my infant son in front of the television.

Racked with guilt, I quickly wet my legs, used Michael’s baby body wash (no time to dig out the girly shaving gel!) to lube up my gams (what a weird word), and I shaved them.  As I was rinsing  (the baby body wash turned out to be an awesome choice, by the way), I realized something:  even though Michael was strapped into his terrible, awful, evil, non-moving stroller, he was not fussing.  I slowed down and enjoyed the next 45 seconds of quiet.

When I emerged, newly hairless, from the bathroom, my son had survived.  In fact, he looked rather peaceful.  He had survived my awful parenting decision, and he was probably not going to turn into a sociopath.  But just in case, I hit the power button toute suite and wheeled him out the door.  No sense tempting fate.

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